In a recent episode of TIP, host Robert Leonard re-shared a favorite discussion with author Erin Lowry, known for her "Broke Millennial" series. The episode delves into "money scripts," a concept central to Lowry's latest book, "Broke Millennial Talks Money," which guides listeners through navigating awkward financial conversations across various relationships.
Lowry defines money scripts in two ways: firstly, as literal conversation guides provided in her book for specific scenarios (e.g., "Hey, mom and dad, do you have enough money to retire?"). Secondly, drawing on financial psychologist Dr. Brad Klontz's work, she describes them as our inherent emotional relationships and experiences with money. Acknowledging these emotional ties is crucial, as money isn't purely logical and impacts how we manage finances and interact with others, especially partners.
The conversation explored four key "money scripts" across different relationships:
**1. Friends and Lifestyle:**
It's common to find friends with differing financial capacities or values. Lowry advises honesty when you can't afford a friend's lifestyle, suggesting direct communication rather than resentment. She emphasizes explaining your values (e.g., prioritizing specific spending) without judgment. If you desire a specific activity a friend can't afford, consider covering their cost, clearly stating it's a gift to avoid future awkwardness.
**2. Parents and Retirement:**
This is often one of the most challenging discussions. Lowry recommends indirect approaches over blunt questioning. For instance, if parents know you're financially savvy, asking for advice on your own investments can open a dialogue about theirs. If they're resistant, gradually introduce topics like wills or healthcare directives, explaining your need to understand for legal and support reasons. If resistance persists, consider proactively saving an "emergency fund" for their potential future needs, coordinating with siblings if applicable. If parents openly admit financial struggles, offer to help review their finances, or suggest meeting a financial planner or estate attorney, framing it as a team effort.
**3. Siblings and Money:**
When a sibling struggles financially, Lowry suggests only lending money you can afford to lose and reframing it as a gift to protect the relationship. Offering to pay for specific needs (e.g., gas, groceries) can prevent resentment over how lump sums are spent. Instead of nagging, model good financial behavior and offer advice only when solicited, or when a "door opens" (e.g., they get a new job, express financial stress). Gifting financial books is acceptable if accompanied by a normal gift and personalized with notes, avoiding pestering about their progress.
**4. Coworkers and Salary:**
While discussing salaries can be taboo, it's often legally protected in the U.S. Lowry advises understanding your workplace dynamic first. If comfortable, ask colleagues in similar roles for ballpark figures. If not, use platforms like LinkedIn to cold-email people in comparable positions, explaining your reason for asking (e.g., suspected underpayment). When negotiating with a boss, timing is key; initiate discussions months before annual reviews. Ask for constructive criticism to demonstrate eligibility for a raise. In the negotiation itself, "silence is golden"—state your ask, then let the boss speak first. Practice negotiation in low-stakes situations like asking for discounts.
**5. Partners and Prenups/Postnups:**
Lowry advocates for prenuptial agreements (prenups), rebranding them as "marriage insurance" due to their poor public image. She argues everyone has a prenup, whether it's an intentional agreement or the default state laws. Prenups allow couples to customize asset division and other terms (like waiving alimony) in case of divorce, avoiding potential future conflicts and legal fees. She suggests introducing the topic gradually in a committed relationship, perhaps by discussing celebrity divorces or hypotheticals like "what feels fair to us if we ever parted ways?" rather than immediately using the "P-word." The process of discussing a prenup forces critical financial conversations early in a relationship. If a prenup isn't done before marriage, a postnuptial agreement (postnup) can be established later, especially if life circumstances change (e.g., one partner leaves the workforce).
**6. Everyday Money & Debt with Partners:**
For daily money management, Lowry recommends a hybrid approach: setting joint financial goals, combining most income for bills and savings, but maintaining separate checking accounts for "fund money" or discretionary spending. This allows individual autonomy and reduces nitpicking. For partners bringing significant debt into a relationship, open pre-marriage conversations are crucial. Lowry shared her own experience, where she reframed her husband's student loan debt as "our student loan" to foster teamwork, while still balancing debt repayment with other financial goals. The origin and management of the debt are important; persistent, unplanned debt can be a red flag.
**7. Kids and Money:**
When teaching children about money, open discussion is vital, but avoid "financial enmeshment"—overburdening them with adult financial stress. Tailor information to their age, explaining changes like job loss calmly and giving them actionable ways to help (e.g., turning off lights). Most importantly, model healthy financial behaviors, demonstrating responsible spending and avoiding overt money conflicts in front of them. Recognize that no parent is flawless, but aiming to minimize inherited financial trauma is a worthwhile goal.
Lowry emphasized that these conversations are rarely one-time events but evolving processes requiring patience and honesty.